kbann.

3 notes
14 May
Reblog

Forgive me,

These past five months, well, I can’t say I regret them.. I can’t say I had the best time of my life. I just lived.. a surreal, detached, yet wonderful world.

First, I don’t hate you. Even though you forced me to say it to your face.

I wish I hadn’t. It was a lie.. and I know you know that.

I like you.

Not the way I did when we first met.. rather more of a protective feeling I get when I think of you.

I want to thank you. You showed me many things.

You made me feel like a girl.. I made sure my hair looked good… that my clothes matched..and I smelt good. All for you. (and hell, it sucks putting on makeup and actually thinking about what to wear.. I hate doing that. BUT I must admit, I did feel better about myself)

You made me feel like a princess. I would wake up in the mornings (you always let me sleep in) and you’d be downstairs, food ready, water ready, vitamins ready. You helped me when I was sick.. caring for me and doing everything to make me feel comfortable. You did so many things for me that the “perfect husband” would have a run for his money. And I thank you for treating me so well.

But I know there was something wrong when I didn’t feel comfortable showing you things. I tried, I showed you my music, the movies I liked, and the things I love to do.. but you always seemed disinterested.

I didn’t really mind, we had many things in common that it was alright that you liked your things and I liked mine.. but we always shared some common interested to keep us going.

But why didn’t you care? You never tried to even sound remotely interested in the things I’d talk about. So I’d stop. I know it would be useless to continue..

then you’d get angry that I stopped talking.

You also made me feel many negative things. I was always doing something wrong. I felt guilt/sadness/and confusion. It wasn’t anything to do with the language barrier There was no barrier because I understood EVERYTHING you’d say. We never had any problems with that..

I could never really trust that you’d stay with me. Always telling me how pretty other girls were..that one thing, as well… I was going to break up with you but I decided to give you another chance.

Then you told me you loved me.

Why, in that moment, I couldn’t reply? Instead, I hugged you..

I guess that was the point I should have felt something.. happiness.. rapid heart beat.. fuzziness.

Sometimes I loved you.

Sometimes I’d look at you and feel such a strong happiness that I just wanted to keep you forever. It was always random and short-lived but I treasured each and every one of those moments.

Then I realized, I’m not myself. Well, I was myself with you but never my full self. There was always a part that I’d hide from you.

The part that was screaming for freedom.

It was time. It was time to finish everything. I knew that I couldn’t be with a person that hated every little thing I did.. and I hadn’t even shown you my full self yet.

If I stayed you’d eat at me until I was the perfect girl for you.

I accepted your flaws, and yes, you did have flaws. But you never did that for me.. you’d point them out..

Do I miss you? Every day.

Am I happier? For now, not really.

I feel like shit. I feel guilty. I promised I’d never hurt you. I can’t do that to people..at least not intentionally.

Will I be happier? Yes.

I can already feel it. I feel calmer. I feel like there is this huge rock that has been lifted off me. I’ve also learned that I can trust myself. I’m pretty strong.. although it’s most likely my stubbornness.. but I have solid morals. They surprised me, but you showed me how much I stick to them rather then my emotions.

I feel like I can do and achieve more things.

It’s such a weird feeling… maybe I’ve just never been cut out for this relationship thing. I have goals.. and I feel so close to reaching them now.

I will do things, the things I love.. Solo? Probably not forever.. but at least for now.

So, goodbye. I will miss you more then anything.

I’ll live.

You’ll live.

And we’ll carry on..